submissive? masochist? nah… Labels Shmabels

I’m generally not big on labels for myself, though I understand and appreciate how they help many people find community and acceptance for things they thought were freakish. Naming a thing is powerful, whether it’s a kink, an orientation, or a deep personal need. When people learn that this thing they believed they were the only person on the planet to feel that way about is actually common enough to be named, that can give them a huge sense of acceptance.

However, I dislike the way labels sometimes get used against people, even (especially?) by others who use those labels.

I dislike the way they sometimes become “prescriptive” rather than “descriptive.” They become a set of rules you must follow in order to be allowed to use that label, rather than a quick and easy way to recognise like-minded individuals. It’s sad that people try to change their behaviour in order to fit a label that either they’ve chosen or has been given to them. This is especially troublesome when the pressure to change that behaviour is external, from some social group refusing to accept you unless you follow their prescription — as though the label is some kind of club to which you have to gain membership. Sometimes you might not fit a label exactly perfectly, but it’s the closest thing you’ve found so far.

Too many people get so hung up on their label and what it means for them, that they assume they know everything about everyone who uses that label. And in reverse, some people become the “label police” and start dictating who may and may not use the labels, based on whether they fit some arbitrary criteria.

At the same time, I do understand and appreciate how much they give some people a sense of acceptance and identity. That’s how I felt about Polyamory, and this is probably the reason it’s the only label I consistently keep. I spent all my childhood assuming I would never get married, since that meant you had to be with just one person for the rest of your life, and even as a child that sounded absolutely preposterous to me. In adolescence, I learned about hippies and free love, and realised there were other options, but that still didn’t resonate fully as it seemed more about sex and casual relationships. It wasn’t until I heard the term “polyamory” and started researching it, that I realised I could have my cake and eat it too. I could have all the comforts and joys of a loving life partnership, along with the freedom of being able to explore relationship opportunities that happen to fall in my lap.

I’ve identified as polyamorous ever since I learned it was a thing, because having a word for it resolved my cognitive dissonance. But I didn’t grow up with fantasies of submission or pain, so I didn’t have any dissonance to resolve in those areas. Therefore I don’t consider myself “a submissive” but I submit to my husband, and I don’t consider myself “a masochist” but I love being spanked and bitten, sometimes pretty hard, and that hurts but I like it as long as there’s enough sensuality to go with it.

I enjoy submitting to my husband because… well… really it just happened by accident and it was fun and fulfilling, so we kept doing it. I have trouble imagining anyone else whose joy and happiness I would genuinely care about the way I do his, and that’s really what drives most of it. He’s done so much for me, given me so much, and all so selflessly and without expectation, and it just feels so good to be on the other end of that for a change. And for his part, Zeus doesn’t identify as “a Dominant,” although he does enjoy dominating. He’s firmly a switch. As much as he loves getting a reaction out of people, he loves bottoming, he loves subspace, and he loves letting go and being taken to places.

I have a strong tendency to jump into every new thing head first. Zeus is far more careful and cautious. Now that the sub-frenzy is starting to wear off, I’m starting to feel less frantic and desperate about being submissive. As a result, I’m feeling less of a need to identify with labels. I’m genuinely feeling more ready to be patient and follow Zeus as he guides the show. I’m going through the process of updating my kinks list, and I’m writing out my “Wants / Needs” document. I’m committed to getting better at communicating, especially learning when not to communicate! It’s good that I have my blog now, because I can work through a lot of my thoughts without dumping them on him, and he can read them whenever’s a good time for him.

Sir doesn’t want to break his wife

In Public vs Private Play Energy, I discussed an incident at a play party where Zeus played for hours with another woman. In that post, I focused more on the way play energy varies when he has a reactive crowd to feed off of versus at home when it’s just the two of us. I started this post right after the same discussion, a few weeks ago now, but hadn’t gotten around to finishing it until now.

For background in case you haven’t read the other post and can’t be bothered right now: While I was traveling, Zeus went to a Kinky camping event. He met a woman there with whom there was instant chemistry. He shared this experience with me later, but didn’t go into a lot of detail since it wasn’t relevant. We mostly talked about their ongoing D/s relationship that followed the party, and worked out the poly-ness of that1. I later heard from a friend of mine that they’d played for “hours” during that weekend. Zeus hadn’t mentioned that part, although he had described it as intense. I have to admit to some envy when I found out about that, since when Zeus and I first started playing more kinkily (as if spell check didn’t flag “kinkily”), our play sessions lasted well under an hour. I was quite well and “satisfied” pretty much every time, I wasn’t “spent.” I could well have gone on.

In an effort to be communicative, I brought this up with Zeus and asked how it was that he’d been able to play for hours with another woman, but needed to stop after 20 minutes with his wife? I touched on this incident a little bit inbut that time I focused more on his energy levels during play.

His reasoning made perfect sense, and only reinforces my confidence in him as a Dominant. It can be summarised as: “Patience, Grasshopper2.” In a nutshell, he didn’t want to break his wife.

He basically said that it’s one thing to play with some new toy at a public event, where she’s showing up independently and largely responsible for her own self. She’s consenting to play with a stranger, whom yes has been vetted by respected members of the (so-called-)community, but it’s still her responsibility to communicate whatever she needs to in order to be safe. Their play just happened to be really intense and last a long time. He did aftercare, spent time with her throughout the weekend, and provided contact information for afterwards in case she crashed and needed support. But ultimately, if something “broke” inside her as a result of the play that she consented to and that stayed within her stated limits, then it’s ultimately her responsibility to work through that. He could (and would) help her as much as he’s emotionally and psychologically able, but within reasonable boundaries of his life: work, marriage, etc. He wouldn’t be expected to drop everything in the middle of a busy work day and come to her rescue if she started having a real freak-out — that’s why she’s supposed to have her own friends and support network in place before playing like that with strangers!

Luckily nothing like that happened, and they actually developed an ongoing D/s relationship for a few weeks. It was a really good experience for everyone I think, although I have some regrets for how it ended (again, that’s another story). Part of me wonders if the universe’s purpose for that was actually to bring D/s into our marriage, but then I have a tendency to project that thinking on all kinds of things. Sometimes a butterfly just flaps its wings…

But I’m not a toy at some random kinky party. I’m the wife who, for the last 11 years, has whined about every spanking being too hard, who swore she hates giving blowjobs3, and who has never shown the least outwardly submissive behaviour. All of a sudden, I’m asking him to beat me, fuck my brains out, treat me like a sex object, and begging him to boss me around. He’s completely stunned. First he was worried that I was just trying to compete with this other woman4, and that’s where this was coming from. Then he saw the skip in my step when I’d follow the commands he’d experiment with, or the vibrancy of my eyes — the ones that turn grey when I’m sad and bright blue when I’m happy, and were bluer than he’d seen in years when we’d talk about spankings, submission, and eventually blowjobs (which I’m still obsessed with, thank you for asking. Yesterdays’s was especially delicious, and deserves a distraction with its own post). So that convinced him that my desire for submission was genuine, and wasn’t some desperate act to avoid dealing with poly feelings or something. And the more we played and experimented, the more he saw me liking it.

That explains the hesitancy, so then we move on to the duration and intensity of scenes. And basically, that comes down to baby steps and being careful that everything is absorbed properly before taking it up a notch.

Sigh. Dominants and their patience, am I right? Yeah, yeah, I know. *looks down and digs her toe in the floor, hands clasped behind her back, that look that every girl has when she knows you’re right and hates that she has to admit it*

As much as I want more more more, there is the factor that this leaves us plenty of places to “go.” I mean, if we started off with a four-hour scene right off the bat, that sets the bar pretty frickin high for subsequent sessions. So what consoling myself with is the knowledge that we’ll get there eventually, and that when we do, they’ll be so much more spectacular for the fact that we know what to avoid and what we like and how to cope with weird things, and all that good stuff. And it’s not like I’m not loving what we’re doing right now. Hmm, maybe I could start creating ever-more elaborate fantasies and write them down for the horny eyes of the internet, and give Sir some great material to draw from… ideas ideas.

1 I’ll go into more detail about that another time

2 omg I sooo want that to be my new pet name…

3 ha! if you filmed me 2 hours ago and showed it to 10 years ago me, I’d probably wonder where you got the body double).

4 That’s a pretty reasonable fear, and I’m actually surprised, to be honest, that I didn’t actually feel competitive with her. I mean, that would have been stupid. First of all, she’s a lovely woman who I could tell didn’t intend to steal my husband away. Second, my husband loves me to pieces and wouldn’t leave me, especially when we’re poly and if it came to it, he probably could have talked me into letting him keep her. I mean c’mon, you should see what this woman does with stovetops and toilets. My god, I’ve never seen them sparkle like that. And Sir? You probably never will again. Just sayin’. Yeah, it’s also possible that’s partially because I somewhat unofficially adopted her as my own submissive. Her fetlife profile had expressed an interest to serve a couple, and she was a pure service submissive. Given the choice between cleaning someone’s house or getting delicious spankings, she’d choose the former — of course, her preference is to clean someone’s house as a reward in itself, and then get delicious spankings as a bonus thank you! And that’s basically the arrangement they had worked out. So with Sir’s permission, I started leaving her little tasks of my own. She sent him a text once about how hot she thought it was to be given tasks by a woman 10 years younger than her! It was quite a trip anyway.

Public vs Private Play Energy

Sir asked me to blog about this. It’s really more his “thing” so I’ll do my best to portray it accurately.

While we were playing the other night, Sir and I lost momentum and he needed some time to reflect. In the process, he accidentally sorta dropped me, as he told me to just “stay here” while he was going to go have a cigarette. But we’d been doing some really intense things, and I didn’t feel comfortable being left alone like that. That was what sort of triggered the “all about me” discussion we had that night, but there was this other aspect that I felt deserved its own post.

But another thing he talked about was the loss of energy he experienced during the scene. He’s played pretty extensively at kink parties throughout the years, some years more than others. Some of his scenes have been very intense (he’s a very strong man – those real, farmer kind of muscles that are actually powerful and useful, not the flashy gym muscles that appeal to the masses but are effectively useless in the real world) and some have lasted quite a while, hours at times. Not with me, because “I’m not a masochist” (I seem to be meaning that less and less every time I say it, although it still doesn’t resonate with me; sensualist would be better, I enjoy sensations which are sometimes very intense but sometimes those intense sensations are waaayy too much. I digress.) But he’s had some really intense scenes. Sooo, there’s this part of me, when he loses energy in the scenes, where I start to worry and have anxieties.

One of them is whether it’s me, because hey I’m human and who’s not going to wonder that?

I worry that I’m being an “energy vampire.” We’ve always had a very energetic, spiritual kind of connection, ever since we met. It was instantaneous and intense and deep, very fast. We pretty much moved in together on our first date. But sometimes when we’d do tantric energy play in our early relationship, he would again feel very drained. We eventually stopped doing it much, because it wasn’t meeting his needs. I wasn’t really ready to learn to control my own energy and focus, so it just wasn’t there yet. But lately, especially since I returned from India, we’d begun experimenting with it a little again, and he said it wasn’t draining him anymore. It’s been 10 years after all, and I’ve grown quite a bit (I’m 35 now, and we all know how grown-up people are in their 20’s!!). I’ve also been meditation more, and then really focusing on trying to cycle and return energy when we play. Honestly I still don’t even know what I’m doing, but if he said I wasn’t draining him, then I was taking him at his word and assuming that whatever I was attempting was somewhat working.

But then when he reports that he’s feeling drained in play sessions (specifically the more corporeal type play), of course I start to worry that “it’s back!”

He also tells me I’m overthinking things. Sometimes people just get tired. Give it a break. That was our second session in the night, maybe we need to take it a lot slower. The first session had a pretty good progression and honestly would have probably been a perfectly good place to stop, if he hadn’t gone and ended it with the word “recess” that just planted seeds in my active little imagination!!

And then the other thing he suggested, which is supposed to be the whole point of this post, is that when he playing at parties, there’s this whole different energy flow. There’s a room full of people. I mentioned he’s an intense players, and I have no problem saying that he tends to attract an audience. Just the way he can read his bottoms and know how to take them up to their edge and hold them there, and ride these waves, it’s impossible to describe and really something to see. And so in the midst of this audience, there’s basically a huge cycle of energy in the room. There’s people feeding their energy into the scene just by watching it, and him feeding it back to the bottom, whose feeding their energy to him and so on and so forth. So one of the simplest things he’s suggesting is that he just needs that for such intense scenes, especially for multiple rounds.

And that’s totally fair. As I mentioned, corporeal play never was my main draw and it’s just one of many many many things I’m curious to explore. If it’s not something he has a ton of energy for (it does, obviously, take a lot of physical energy!), I’m perfectly fine exploring other activities, things that allow us to feed each other’s energy and maybe more intimate, loving exchanges too.

Maybe, just maybe, we even need to have a punishment model and save the hard spankings for that, and keep our scenes mostly sexy with just some light spanks. And maybe some of these are things that I’m not supposed to be the one to decide….. 😉

His first command

It started with a single command

He was texting her. I didn’t mind, I thought it was hot that my husband had a submissive. I was surprised by that, but was learning to roll with it.

I was in the kitchen. He had just sent her a message. He noticed me standing beside the fridge. “Get me a beer while you’re up.” It wasn’t rude or bossy, but it was a command, pure and simple. He didn’t even realise he’d made it. My eyebrows went up and I giggled, and in that same instant my hand had already moved to the fridge door to obey him. He asked why I was giggling and I told him why. He denied that it was a command, tried to back out of it “What? You were right by the fridge.” “Yes, I know, but that’s not the point. It was a command. You were texting her and you instructed me with the same tone you use with her. It was hot.”

And that was it. So simple. Just six little words, said unconsciously and yet with so much authority that it didn’t even occur to me not to obey. And with that, something inside me fully woke up. I realised then how much simple and pure satisfaction I get from serving him. He’s always been the protector and the provider. He’s played his role to the letter in those departments. But he was raised by a weak woman who only new how to meet her needs by manipulating and controlling others, so he’s always been hesitant to tell others what to do. He doesn’t want to be the bully. He’s also independent and doesn’t like asking people to do things he’s perfectly capable of.

But she woke it up in him. She started teaching him that it’s okay to ask for things. That other people enjoy helping. And as he started to ask, I was more than happy to obey. And as I obeyed, he’s started asking more. And so step by step, this beautiful flower is starting to blossom.