Am I a little? Yes, but no.

I’m fascinated that “little” is such a popular D/s identity.

I have to admit, I’ve been struggling with this whole little thing for myself, personally. It’s been on my mind a bit lately, because it seems to be so big in the scene right now. Or maybe I’m just noticing because it’s been on my mind lately? One can never be sure. Regardless. Every time I hear self-identified littles talk about the behaviours they exhibit when they’re “being a little” or “letting their little out,” I think “I do that all the time… does that make me a little?”

I giggle and skip, sometimes I talk in a soft child-like voice, sometimes I whine a bit although I try not to (I hate whining in real kids, and hate it even more in adults, but sometimes I feel shitty and whining just comes out). I even started colouring earlier this year, long before this whole D/s thing, because it’s fun and adult colouring is totally “a thing” now. Swinging on a swing set has always been one of my favourite activities. I run up to them every chance I get, swing as high as I can, and then get scared because I usually swing higher than I can still feel in control.

So by all rights, that makes me a little right? Well, no, it doesn’t.

Here we are back to labels. I feel zero resonance with the label “little” or “little girl” or “baby girl.”

I believe reason why comes back to cognitive dissonance. I’ve never been forced to suppress my inner child, it’s just always been a healthy part of my personality. It enters in varying degrees to every facet of my existence. I’ve always been playful, even in professional environments. I’m silly and goofy, and I don’t turn it off when I go out into the grown-up world. I have never failed to giggle when someone farts — I just can’t help it! I’ve never had a problem letting my inner child out whenever she wants (within reason). Since she’s never been stifled or suppressed, she doesn’t feel the need to express herself at inappropriate times. She hasn’t gotten twisted up into this “thing” that’s some kind of entity unto herself and needs to be let out in safe and controlled ways. She’s just the immature, playful part of my own self.

For his part, Zeus has always encouraged this side of me. He’s playful too, and we’ve always had a lot of fun with that. He’s naturally the protective type and seems to enjoy taking care of me when I need it.

There is no way in Hell I will ever call him “Daddy.” No judgement on those who do! But he’s got a complicated relationship with his own daughter, plus my dad’s still alive and we have a good relationship. Just, nope. Not going there. I mentioned it to him only enough to say “I’ve been reading about this thing, and yesterday I almost had an urge to call you Daddy but it didn’t feel right.” and his response was “Thank you for not.” with a tone that confirmed my suspicion that it would shut him right down, not just the scene but probably for the day.

So there we have it, other than dressing up like a kid (and really, have you seen the way kids dress these days?? There’s no such thing anymore!), I have the behavioural tendancies of a little, but I don’t identify as one. I might keep an eye out for little events and discussions, just because it will be interesting and fun to basically be myself and have it be “a thing,” but mostly I’m just me.

Oh, and in case you’re curious: Results from bdsmtest.org

submissive? masochist? nah… Labels Shmabels

I’m generally not big on labels for myself, though I understand and appreciate how they help many people find community and acceptance for things they thought were freakish. Naming a thing is powerful, whether it’s a kink, an orientation, or a deep personal need. When people learn that this thing they believed they were the only person on the planet to feel that way about is actually common enough to be named, that can give them a huge sense of acceptance.

However, I dislike the way labels sometimes get used against people, even (especially?) by others who use those labels.

I dislike the way they sometimes become “prescriptive” rather than “descriptive.” They become a set of rules you must follow in order to be allowed to use that label, rather than a quick and easy way to recognise like-minded individuals. It’s sad that people try to change their behaviour in order to fit a label that either they’ve chosen or has been given to them. This is especially troublesome when the pressure to change that behaviour is external, from some social group refusing to accept you unless you follow their prescription — as though the label is some kind of club to which you have to gain membership. Sometimes you might not fit a label exactly perfectly, but it’s the closest thing you’ve found so far.

Too many people get so hung up on their label and what it means for them, that they assume they know everything about everyone who uses that label. And in reverse, some people become the “label police” and start dictating who may and may not use the labels, based on whether they fit some arbitrary criteria.

At the same time, I do understand and appreciate how much they give some people a sense of acceptance and identity. That’s how I felt about Polyamory, and this is probably the reason it’s the only label I consistently keep. I spent all my childhood assuming I would never get married, since that meant you had to be with just one person for the rest of your life, and even as a child that sounded absolutely preposterous to me. In adolescence, I learned about hippies and free love, and realised there were other options, but that still didn’t resonate fully as it seemed more about sex and casual relationships. It wasn’t until I heard the term “polyamory” and started researching it, that I realised I could have my cake and eat it too. I could have all the comforts and joys of a loving life partnership, along with the freedom of being able to explore relationship opportunities that happen to fall in my lap.

I’ve identified as polyamorous ever since I learned it was a thing, because having a word for it resolved my cognitive dissonance. But I didn’t grow up with fantasies of submission or pain, so I didn’t have any dissonance to resolve in those areas. Therefore I don’t consider myself “a submissive” but I submit to my husband, and I don’t consider myself “a masochist” but I love being spanked and bitten, sometimes pretty hard, and that hurts but I like it as long as there’s enough sensuality to go with it.

I enjoy submitting to my husband because… well… really it just happened by accident and it was fun and fulfilling, so we kept doing it. I have trouble imagining anyone else whose joy and happiness I would genuinely care about the way I do his, and that’s really what drives most of it. He’s done so much for me, given me so much, and all so selflessly and without expectation, and it just feels so good to be on the other end of that for a change. And for his part, Zeus doesn’t identify as “a Dominant,” although he does enjoy dominating. He’s firmly a switch. As much as he loves getting a reaction out of people, he loves bottoming, he loves subspace, and he loves letting go and being taken to places.

I have a strong tendency to jump into every new thing head first. Zeus is far more careful and cautious. Now that the sub-frenzy is starting to wear off, I’m starting to feel less frantic and desperate about being submissive. As a result, I’m feeling less of a need to identify with labels. I’m genuinely feeling more ready to be patient and follow Zeus as he guides the show. I’m going through the process of updating my kinks list, and I’m writing out my “Wants / Needs” document. I’m committed to getting better at communicating, especially learning when not to communicate! It’s good that I have my blog now, because I can work through a lot of my thoughts without dumping them on him, and he can read them whenever’s a good time for him.

How I feel more submissive when Sir is feeling less Dominant

TLDR: The honeymoon is over and now we have to fit our D/s relationship into our real lives. At first I struggled with Zeus being less enthusiastic about day-to-day D/s, especially check-ins and just carrying himself in that more Dominant energy. But then I remembered how much I enjoy serving him and taking care of him as a huge part of my submission, and it became obvious. All I had to do to feel more submissive was remember that if he’s working long, hard hours, then what he needs more than anything is solid support: a comfortable home to come back to after work, delicious and filling meals (dinner with enough leftovers for lunch), and a wife who won’t be a nag.

When we first discovered D/s and started introducing it into our relationship, we had the immense benefit of me being completely footloose and fancy free. I was travelling back and forth between my home with Zeus and my parents’ homes, about 8 hours away. I was basically only visiting on his weekends (he works 10 days on, 4 days off, so I would come during the 4 days off.) During that time, his work schedule was pretty light, so he had plenty of energy on the weekends. We had lots of time to play and explore different facets of D/s, even though he was taking it slow.

Of course, such a fantasy world has to eventually return to reality. After I got things straightened out with my mother in my home town, I came to live “full-time” with my husband. I know, crazy right? But you have to understand, this was a really new thing for us. Throughout our entire relationship, we’ve lived apart 70-90% of the time. It just works for us, crazy as that sounds. But besides the D/s, we’ve been shifting into a more “shared life” marriage over the past year or so, and the D/s really sealed it in.

But we still had quite a bit of time together. He was working short days, usually home by late afternoon. He’d come home with plenty of energy since his work wasn’t especially taxing, and we’d still get to play every couple days. In between, we were talking constantly, discussing all kinds of facets of D/s, as well as life in general, our plans for the next few months and years, etc. We really connected.

And of course, eventually this too must end. Zeus loves to work long hours, and the opportunity finally arrived after months of pissing around. Typical Type-A, he loves to challenge himself to out perform year after year. He’s in a role right now that’s very goal-based and he really thrives on that. He’s in constant work mode, from the moment the alarm goes off (2.5 hours before sunrise, and it’s barely past the equinox!) until he settles into bed some time around 9pm. I snuggle in with him, even though I’m a night owl by nature. Besides the fact that I’ll be getting out of bed first to fetch his phone-alarm (we don’t keep it in the bedroom) and get the coffee started (I’m finally consistently remembering to set it up the night before) so it’s important to get my sleep too, there’s just the obvious fact that falling asleep together is sometimes the most intimacy we get during these long-hour work-days.

At first I found this frustrating. I’d lost my husband to his stupid job again! Work had taken my Dominant away from me. Grrr. But then I remembered, D/s is more than just a Dominant telling a submissive to do stuff. It’s a submissive serving her Dominant. And I don’t need his Dom energy to do that! I’ve been married to this guy for almost 8 years, and together almost 11… I know what he needs and likes! He likes his coffee, so I can have that ready every morning (he expects it now, anyways, so it’s not really an option). He likes my cooking (it is pretty good!) so I can have dinner ready, or at least planned, every night when he gets home, and make sure there are enough leftovers for him to take for lunch the next day. I can sort his “clean enough to wear again” work clothes from the ones that will walk away if you turn your back, and put the dirty ones in the laundry. Basically, I’m trying to anticipate his needs and support him as much as I can.

I don’t know how much our how long this would sustain us in the long-term, though. We’ll definitely need to explore some rituals down the road, and probably some kind of maintenance spanking sessions. I could feel myself getting antsy the other day, and I was really grateful Zeus gave in to my morning’s request for some play that evening, because I probably would have started losing my mind! It’s not that I need 24/7 control and in-my-face Dominance, but I do need to be kept in my place and reminded who’s boss from time to time. I still have a strong control freak streak in me, and it likes to come out from time to time. It has always bothered Zeus, since it means he got steamrolled. So now that he has an opportunity to shoot me down and put me in my place — and that I’ll actually like it! — I think he’ll gradually start coming into his own.

Public vs Private Play Energy

Sir asked me to blog about this. It’s really more his “thing” so I’ll do my best to portray it accurately.

While we were playing the other night, Sir and I lost momentum and he needed some time to reflect. In the process, he accidentally sorta dropped me, as he told me to just “stay here” while he was going to go have a cigarette. But we’d been doing some really intense things, and I didn’t feel comfortable being left alone like that. That was what sort of triggered the “all about me” discussion we had that night, but there was this other aspect that I felt deserved its own post.

But another thing he talked about was the loss of energy he experienced during the scene. He’s played pretty extensively at kink parties throughout the years, some years more than others. Some of his scenes have been very intense (he’s a very strong man – those real, farmer kind of muscles that are actually powerful and useful, not the flashy gym muscles that appeal to the masses but are effectively useless in the real world) and some have lasted quite a while, hours at times. Not with me, because “I’m not a masochist” (I seem to be meaning that less and less every time I say it, although it still doesn’t resonate with me; sensualist would be better, I enjoy sensations which are sometimes very intense but sometimes those intense sensations are waaayy too much. I digress.) But he’s had some really intense scenes. Sooo, there’s this part of me, when he loses energy in the scenes, where I start to worry and have anxieties.

One of them is whether it’s me, because hey I’m human and who’s not going to wonder that?

I worry that I’m being an “energy vampire.” We’ve always had a very energetic, spiritual kind of connection, ever since we met. It was instantaneous and intense and deep, very fast. We pretty much moved in together on our first date. But sometimes when we’d do tantric energy play in our early relationship, he would again feel very drained. We eventually stopped doing it much, because it wasn’t meeting his needs. I wasn’t really ready to learn to control my own energy and focus, so it just wasn’t there yet. But lately, especially since I returned from India, we’d begun experimenting with it a little again, and he said it wasn’t draining him anymore. It’s been 10 years after all, and I’ve grown quite a bit (I’m 35 now, and we all know how grown-up people are in their 20’s!!). I’ve also been meditation more, and then really focusing on trying to cycle and return energy when we play. Honestly I still don’t even know what I’m doing, but if he said I wasn’t draining him, then I was taking him at his word and assuming that whatever I was attempting was somewhat working.

But then when he reports that he’s feeling drained in play sessions (specifically the more corporeal type play), of course I start to worry that “it’s back!”

He also tells me I’m overthinking things. Sometimes people just get tired. Give it a break. That was our second session in the night, maybe we need to take it a lot slower. The first session had a pretty good progression and honestly would have probably been a perfectly good place to stop, if he hadn’t gone and ended it with the word “recess” that just planted seeds in my active little imagination!!

And then the other thing he suggested, which is supposed to be the whole point of this post, is that when he playing at parties, there’s this whole different energy flow. There’s a room full of people. I mentioned he’s an intense players, and I have no problem saying that he tends to attract an audience. Just the way he can read his bottoms and know how to take them up to their edge and hold them there, and ride these waves, it’s impossible to describe and really something to see. And so in the midst of this audience, there’s basically a huge cycle of energy in the room. There’s people feeding their energy into the scene just by watching it, and him feeding it back to the bottom, whose feeding their energy to him and so on and so forth. So one of the simplest things he’s suggesting is that he just needs that for such intense scenes, especially for multiple rounds.

And that’s totally fair. As I mentioned, corporeal play never was my main draw and it’s just one of many many many things I’m curious to explore. If it’s not something he has a ton of energy for (it does, obviously, take a lot of physical energy!), I’m perfectly fine exploring other activities, things that allow us to feed each other’s energy and maybe more intimate, loving exchanges too.

Maybe, just maybe, we even need to have a punishment model and save the hard spankings for that, and keep our scenes mostly sexy with just some light spanks. And maybe some of these are things that I’m not supposed to be the one to decide….. 😉

Assignment: Two questions

Q1: Why do you want to be submissive?

Q2: What do you want from me as a Dominant?

These are the two questions my Dearest asked me to consider during my walk tonight. My walk was actually to a local diner so I could use their wifi to download some podcasts and update some computer settings, so I figured I’d might as well take advantage of that wifi to answer those questions in a blog post.

Q1: Why do you want to be submissive?

A: I honestly don’t know. I can’t even say I’ve always felt like I had a submissive side, because I’ve always been a control freak. And maybe that’s exactly why I want to explore submission: because trying to control everything all the time is impossible, and stressful, and did I mention impossible? I’ve made a lot of progress over the years learning to give up control over things outside my sphere of influence, but I still tend to micromanage the things I can.

I also get really bad decision paralysis. I’m intelligent and I can easily see hundreds of options, and hundreds of potential consequences for each one. I get completely overwhelmed trying to juggle it all. And 90% of the time, the things I fuss over aren’t even remotely important.

Other than that, there’s something that just comes out in me when I serve you, and even more when you command me. It turns me on more than anything else ever in our relationship! My heart beats faster. My groin gets tingly. My face flushes.

It just feels right. For one of the first times in my life, I’m doing something completely illogical and irrational. And it feels so good!

I also really like the idea of being protected and provided for, and submission is the contraposition to that. I’ve spent our entire relationship assuming you would always provide for me, and you always have. I’ve made paltry efforts to do my part, but I’ve never really lived up to my own expectations there. For some reason (love, I imagine), you’ve always let me get away with it. I know you gets frustrated sometimes. So I’m excited about finding something I can actually do that really serves you for a change.

Q2: What do you want from me as a Dominant?

A: Control. More than anything, I want you to take control. I know that’s vague and I don’t exactly know what I want you to control. I like it when you’re The Boss. I absolutely love it when you use that commanding tone with me. Oh sure, I also love it when you say “would you please?” but the straight up commands are just so HOT!

I want accountability. I’m terrible at holding myself accountable. I’m really good at forgiveness, as a rule, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Holding grudges really hurts everyone and serves no one. But I forgive myself far too easily. I don’t follow my own rules for myself. I just do whatever I want and let “tomorrow-leda” worry about the consequences. Which is ironic, considering how many consequences I can think up and then deliberately choose to ignore.

While I did really hate the idea of punishment, somehow it’s starting to grow on me. Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually want to be punished! But maybe knowing that if I cheat on my eating plan and chow down a whole family sized bag of chips, then I’ll face a hell of a whooping… that would be pretty good motivation to put those chips back on the store shelf!!

Do I want to be “owned?”

Welp. In principle, it doesn’t fit with that whole polyamory thing very well, does it? And I’m not planning to give that up any time soon! That’s a core value for me. Not that I’m in any hurry to get any other relationships right now. Just like when we first got together, and I naturally wanted to focus on our relationship because I knew it was something special… this is like a whole new relationship all over again, and once again I find myself wanting to devote 100% of my emotional energy to you and making this blossom into something even more amazing than it already was. And boyohboy, when you called me “Mine” yesterday?!? Holy crap did that excite me! I couldn’t get it out of my head! (for the readers: I’d cut myself earlier in the day, and when Sir found out he said “Mine! Don’t hurt mine!”) I just got that warm-fuzzy feeling all over.

Is it all about me?

Sir has brought up this feeling that sometimes when we’re playing, he starts getting a feeling of it being all about me. This confuses me, because I was under the impression that he genuinely enjoys the experience of topping, for its own sake and for the reaction of the bottom. And he assures me this is true, and that this isn’t an all-the-time kind of thing, but that there are moments where he gets that feeling.

I don’t think this is unreasonable. We’re still finding our footing. The sensation of physical pain as being enjoyable is a new thing for me, and I’m really eager to explore it. It’s very intimate and sensual too, so it’s not like I’d want to go off and explore it with just anyone. I may be polyamorous, but as I’ve described elsewhere (possibly not posted yet, we’ll see about that), I’m focused on him right now. So that means that insofar as I want to explore pain, I basically require him to inflict it. And that’s a lot for him to take on, on several levels. There’s the obvious that I’m not just some random play party pickup, there’s the emotional investment. I’m also still not really a “masochist” per se. I can’t actually take a lot of pain (what I consider “pain” would be like a little kitten scratch for most masochists.) I’ve just discovered that some pain is fun, and with a good warmup, I can take increasing amounts of it and it creates certain enjoyable reactions in my body.

But honestly, that’s just a small part for me. I enjoy anything that feels good, and while the pain definitely increases the intensity of pretty much anything, there are lots of things that feel good.

And besides all that, one of the whole things I want to explore is making him feel good. But I’m not used to that, because I’m a classic sexual bottom. I never know what to do. I need to be topped from the bottom, big time. Tell me what to do and I’m happy to do it. At least I’m happy to try it. If you enjoy it, I’m sure to enjoy doing it. By “you” I’m obviously only talking to him because I’m usually not the “giver” type in the sack. Just another one of the things I blame on my only-child-syndrome. But I’m working on it, honest I am. I mean, this whole submissive thing is a pretty big example of working on not being selfish! Problem is, it just doesn’t come naturally for me. I have to be asked for things all the time.

I heard this one classification once: askers and guessers. You can google it, there are lots of articles. The gist of it is that askers will ask anyone for anything, and assume anyone can say No and are just pleased if you do say Yes. Guessers will try to only ask when they guess you’re going to say Yes, and are more disappointed if you say No. I’m an Asker, big time. Sir is a Guesser, big time. Sooo that’s a really interesting thing to work through in our Ds dynamic!! And honestly it’s probably something we both need to work on! I could probably stand to take responsibility for accomplishing more on my own, and he definitely needs to learn to ask for help more. That’s one thing he definitely recognises as a benefit of this exploration for him.

So back to sex. I would really like to explore basically being used for sex. But I’ve just never gotten the impression that it was something he was even interested in. But then of course if you assume your life partner isn’t herself interested in being used for sex, then what kind of loving partner (which he is, or I would never be considering any of this!) would ever do such a thing?

I also had this fantasy today of being used as a human dildo. You see, Sir has always been a big fisting aficionado. Top, bottom, and self. He loves fisting others, squirting too, but I’m not a huge fisting bottom (lol I honestly didn’t intend that pun), and my squirting skills leave something to be desired (although that might be something to pursue in the “forced orgasms” arena that I’m also interested in exploring). We’ve played a handful of time with me topping him, but it really needs all the pieces to align. There’s the physical preparation of course, all those good enemas to get nice and cleaned out. And then there’s the whole mental thing. I’d always struggle with the Top / Dom energy that he required for that headspace. And that’s certainly not going to get any better now!! But I wonder if it wouldn’t be possible for him to “use” me as just a human sex toy, like the closet-full of ones he has for self-exploration… but better, because it’s capable of responding to verbal commands! It moves and even has a second hand and what the hell, can also hold vibrating eggs and stuffitystuff. Oh, the possibilities are endless, but he would need to just use me like a warm toy.

And then there’s all the service. I’ve really enjoyed all the tasks I’ve been given so far. I like making the coffee in the morning, cooking supper, making pancakes on request, actually keeping the house tidy for once. I’ve become a bed maker. I’ve never been a bed maker in my life, but I mentioned it as a possibility in passing once and he picked it up and decided that would be a nice thing. Getting his beers, putting away the empties, washing his feet, putting lotion on them. I’m really enjoying all these little things, and I’d be more than happy to do whatever things like that he wants. So I’m struggling to see where the “all about me” part is coming in, other than in the “selfish altruism” sense that these also bring me joy. But I guess I just assumed that was a similar kind of joy to what he felt when we explored play activities. I suppose also, however, that everything has its limits.

Punishment or positive reinforcement?

Since Sir and I have been exploring a Ds facet of our marriage, I’ve been trying to research other Ds marriages online for guidance. But that seems like a total waste of time, because the only people doing this kind of thing publicly are very religious.

“You submit to your husband, but it’s all good, because he submits to God. And because your husband is accountable to the All Mighty, he’s going to magically always know what to do and never be abusive or make really stupid decisions that completely ruin your family and your life. Because God.”

So that wasn’t going over very well.

All I could find from the secular side was more of a “Domestic Discipline” model. i.e. “You broke the rules. Punishment.” One guy kept a list, on the fridge, on which his wife had to record her transgressions for later punishment, in this case spankings.

From a masochistic Ds point, obviously some “punishments” are really just an excuse for a sexy spanking. However I’m not a masochist, I just enjoy sensations of all kinds when I’m appropriately stimulated and aroused. Sometimes that includes pain, but play-punishment spankings have no appeal to me.

Now, I’m not a psychologist. But I’m pretty sure everything I’ve ever read about training, from dogs to horses to children and by extension all humans, has come to the conclusion that positive reinforcement is far more effective at bringing about behavioural changes than punishing mistakes. It also improves the relationship between the trainer and the trainee, as opposed to introducing constant underlying fear into a loving relationship. I mean, there’s a great place for fear in a good play session, absolutely. But not something I’m interested in having as a theme of my day-to-day relationship.

In just the few days that we’ve been experimenting, I’ve already discovered that I respond much better to positive reinforcement. When Husband says “Good Girl” it makes me feel proud, and I’m eager to find more ways to please him. But when I accidentally left the generator running and he said “That’s three,” I totally disengaged. I wasn’t scared. “Three what? Meh never mind, don’t care. You’re not the boss of me.” is pretty much how I felt about that.

Maybe that comes from the fact that I was never punished as a kid. Like, ever. Even when I got caught shoplifting on my 16th birthday and the cops took me home, my mom was just like “That was so embarrassing. Please don’t do it again.” Or when I went drinking with a bunch of strangers from the Village and totally drank myself into a blackout? My mom didn’t even make me go to school with the hangover… I mean, I didn’t even have to face actual life consequences growing up, let alone contrived consequences in the form of punishments.

When I accidentally left the generator running, I felt bad about wasting fuel and polluting the planet needlessly. Is it possible that a good spanking would have prevented me from doing it the second time? Maybe. Maybe not. But I don’t want to always leave the RV with a wash of fear, wondering if I left the generator running lest I be beaten later. That’s just too reminiscent of abuse, so neither of us has felt especially compelled to go there.

Do punishments “work?” Well, it depends what you’re trying to accomplish. If you merely want to change behaviour and you’re not interested in the personal growth and development of the individual, then I’m sure punishment-based training is effective. But… gross. I’m more interested in developing the positives within myself, and I assume that by limitations of time and energy, the negatives will naturally fall away. And things that are truly negative will have actual consequences that will make their avoidance natural. And if they don’t, it’s because I’m not ready to give them up, and you can’t beat “ready” into someone.

I guess there’s another area where punishments are completely effective and appropriate. That’s in slave training for your own sake of having a well-trained servant, not for the slave’s sake of personal growth. If you care more having rules that are followed by your hoard so that your can have a comfortable, pampered lifestyle, then punishment-based behaviour could be very effective. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.