Assignment: Two questions

Q1: Why do you want to be submissive?

Q2: What do you want from me as a Dominant?

These are the two questions my Dearest asked me to consider during my walk tonight. My walk was actually to a local diner so I could use their wifi to download some podcasts and update some computer settings, so I figured I’d might as well take advantage of that wifi to answer those questions in a blog post.

Q1: Why do you want to be submissive?

A: I honestly don’t know. I can’t even say I’ve always felt like I had a submissive side, because I’ve always been a control freak. And maybe that’s exactly why I want to explore submission: because trying to control everything all the time is impossible, and stressful, and did I mention impossible? I’ve made a lot of progress over the years learning to give up control over things outside my sphere of influence, but I still tend to micromanage the things I can.

I also get really bad decision paralysis. I’m intelligent and I can easily see hundreds of options, and hundreds of potential consequences for each one. I get completely overwhelmed trying to juggle it all. And 90% of the time, the things I fuss over aren’t even remotely important.

Other than that, there’s something that just comes out in me when I serve you, and even more when you command me. It turns me on more than anything else ever in our relationship! My heart beats faster. My groin gets tingly. My face flushes.

It just feels right. For one of the first times in my life, I’m doing something completely illogical and irrational. And it feels so good!

I also really like the idea of being protected and provided for, and submission is the contraposition to that. I’ve spent our entire relationship assuming you would always provide for me, and you always have. I’ve made paltry efforts to do my part, but I’ve never really lived up to my own expectations there. For some reason (love, I imagine), you’ve always let me get away with it. I know you gets frustrated sometimes. So I’m excited about finding something I can actually do that really serves you for a change.

Q2: What do you want from me as a Dominant?

A: Control. More than anything, I want you to take control. I know that’s vague and I don’t exactly know what I want you to control. I like it when you’re The Boss. I absolutely love it when you use that commanding tone with me. Oh sure, I also love it when you say “would you please?” but the straight up commands are just so HOT!

I want accountability. I’m terrible at holding myself accountable. I’m really good at forgiveness, as a rule, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Holding grudges really hurts everyone and serves no one. But I forgive myself far too easily. I don’t follow my own rules for myself. I just do whatever I want and let “tomorrow-leda” worry about the consequences. Which is ironic, considering how many consequences I can think up and then deliberately choose to ignore.

While I did really hate the idea of punishment, somehow it’s starting to grow on me. Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually want to be punished! But maybe knowing that if I cheat on my eating plan and chow down a whole family sized bag of chips, then I’ll face a hell of a whooping… that would be pretty good motivation to put those chips back on the store shelf!!

Do I want to be “owned?”

Welp. In principle, it doesn’t fit with that whole polyamory thing very well, does it? And I’m not planning to give that up any time soon! That’s a core value for me. Not that I’m in any hurry to get any other relationships right now. Just like when we first got together, and I naturally wanted to focus on our relationship because I knew it was something special… this is like a whole new relationship all over again, and once again I find myself wanting to devote 100% of my emotional energy to you and making this blossom into something even more amazing than it already was. And boyohboy, when you called me “Mine” yesterday?!? Holy crap did that excite me! I couldn’t get it out of my head! (for the readers: I’d cut myself earlier in the day, and when Sir found out he said “Mine! Don’t hurt mine!”) I just got that warm-fuzzy feeling all over.