Sir asked me to blog about this. It’s really more his “thing” so I’ll do my best to portray it accurately.
While we were playing the other night, Sir and I lost momentum and he needed some time to reflect. In the process, he accidentally sorta dropped me, as he told me to just “stay here” while he was going to go have a cigarette. But we’d been doing some really intense things, and I didn’t feel comfortable being left alone like that. That was what sort of triggered the “all about me” discussion we had that night, but there was this other aspect that I felt deserved its own post.
But another thing he talked about was the loss of energy he experienced during the scene. He’s played pretty extensively at kink parties throughout the years, some years more than others. Some of his scenes have been very intense (he’s a very strong man – those real, farmer kind of muscles that are actually powerful and useful, not the flashy gym muscles that appeal to the masses but are effectively useless in the real world) and some have lasted quite a while, hours at times. Not with me, because “I’m not a masochist” (I seem to be meaning that less and less every time I say it, although it still doesn’t resonate with me; sensualist would be better, I enjoy sensations which are sometimes very intense but sometimes those intense sensations are waaayy too much. I digress.) But he’s had some really intense scenes. Sooo, there’s this part of me, when he loses energy in the scenes, where I start to worry and have anxieties.
One of them is whether it’s me, because hey I’m human and who’s not going to wonder that?
I worry that I’m being an “energy vampire.” We’ve always had a very energetic, spiritual kind of connection, ever since we met. It was instantaneous and intense and deep, very fast. We pretty much moved in together on our first date. But sometimes when we’d do tantric energy play in our early relationship, he would again feel very drained. We eventually stopped doing it much, because it wasn’t meeting his needs. I wasn’t really ready to learn to control my own energy and focus, so it just wasn’t there yet. But lately, especially since I returned from India, we’d begun experimenting with it a little again, and he said it wasn’t draining him anymore. It’s been 10 years after all, and I’ve grown quite a bit (I’m 35 now, and we all know how grown-up people are in their 20’s!!). I’ve also been meditation more, and then really focusing on trying to cycle and return energy when we play. Honestly I still don’t even know what I’m doing, but if he said I wasn’t draining him, then I was taking him at his word and assuming that whatever I was attempting was somewhat working.
But then when he reports that he’s feeling drained in play sessions (specifically the more corporeal type play), of course I start to worry that “it’s back!”
He also tells me I’m overthinking things. Sometimes people just get tired. Give it a break. That was our second session in the night, maybe we need to take it a lot slower. The first session had a pretty good progression and honestly would have probably been a perfectly good place to stop, if he hadn’t gone and ended it with the word “recess” that just planted seeds in my active little imagination!!
And then the other thing he suggested, which is supposed to be the whole point of this post, is that when he playing at parties, there’s this whole different energy flow. There’s a room full of people. I mentioned he’s an intense players, and I have no problem saying that he tends to attract an audience. Just the way he can read his bottoms and know how to take them up to their edge and hold them there, and ride these waves, it’s impossible to describe and really something to see. And so in the midst of this audience, there’s basically a huge cycle of energy in the room. There’s people feeding their energy into the scene just by watching it, and him feeding it back to the bottom, whose feeding their energy to him and so on and so forth. So one of the simplest things he’s suggesting is that he just needs that for such intense scenes, especially for multiple rounds.
And that’s totally fair. As I mentioned, corporeal play never was my main draw and it’s just one of many many many things I’m curious to explore. If it’s not something he has a ton of energy for (it does, obviously, take a lot of physical energy!), I’m perfectly fine exploring other activities, things that allow us to feed each other’s energy and maybe more intimate, loving exchanges too.
Maybe, just maybe, we even need to have a punishment model and save the hard spankings for that, and keep our scenes mostly sexy with just some light spanks. And maybe some of these are things that I’m not supposed to be the one to decide….. 😉