Sir doesn’t want to break his wife

In Public vs Private Play Energy, I discussed an incident at a play party where Zeus played for hours with another woman. In that post, I focused more on the way play energy varies when he has a reactive crowd to feed off of versus at home when it’s just the two of us. I started this post right after the same discussion, a few weeks ago now, but hadn’t gotten around to finishing it until now.

For background in case you haven’t read the other post and can’t be bothered right now: While I was traveling, Zeus went to a Kinky camping event. He met a woman there with whom there was instant chemistry. He shared this experience with me later, but didn’t go into a lot of detail since it wasn’t relevant. We mostly talked about their ongoing D/s relationship that followed the party, and worked out the poly-ness of that1. I later heard from a friend of mine that they’d played for “hours” during that weekend. Zeus hadn’t mentioned that part, although he had described it as intense. I have to admit to some envy when I found out about that, since when Zeus and I first started playing more kinkily (as if spell check didn’t flag “kinkily”), our play sessions lasted well under an hour. I was quite well and “satisfied” pretty much every time, I wasn’t “spent.” I could well have gone on.

In an effort to be communicative, I brought this up with Zeus and asked how it was that he’d been able to play for hours with another woman, but needed to stop after 20 minutes with his wife? I touched on this incident a little bit inbut that time I focused more on his energy levels during play.

His reasoning made perfect sense, and only reinforces my confidence in him as a Dominant. It can be summarised as: “Patience, Grasshopper2.” In a nutshell, he didn’t want to break his wife.

He basically said that it’s one thing to play with some new toy at a public event, where she’s showing up independently and largely responsible for her own self. She’s consenting to play with a stranger, whom yes has been vetted by respected members of the (so-called-)community, but it’s still her responsibility to communicate whatever she needs to in order to be safe. Their play just happened to be really intense and last a long time. He did aftercare, spent time with her throughout the weekend, and provided contact information for afterwards in case she crashed and needed support. But ultimately, if something “broke” inside her as a result of the play that she consented to and that stayed within her stated limits, then it’s ultimately her responsibility to work through that. He could (and would) help her as much as he’s emotionally and psychologically able, but within reasonable boundaries of his life: work, marriage, etc. He wouldn’t be expected to drop everything in the middle of a busy work day and come to her rescue if she started having a real freak-out — that’s why she’s supposed to have her own friends and support network in place before playing like that with strangers!

Luckily nothing like that happened, and they actually developed an ongoing D/s relationship for a few weeks. It was a really good experience for everyone I think, although I have some regrets for how it ended (again, that’s another story). Part of me wonders if the universe’s purpose for that was actually to bring D/s into our marriage, but then I have a tendency to project that thinking on all kinds of things. Sometimes a butterfly just flaps its wings…

But I’m not a toy at some random kinky party. I’m the wife who, for the last 11 years, has whined about every spanking being too hard, who swore she hates giving blowjobs3, and who has never shown the least outwardly submissive behaviour. All of a sudden, I’m asking him to beat me, fuck my brains out, treat me like a sex object, and begging him to boss me around. He’s completely stunned. First he was worried that I was just trying to compete with this other woman4, and that’s where this was coming from. Then he saw the skip in my step when I’d follow the commands he’d experiment with, or the vibrancy of my eyes — the ones that turn grey when I’m sad and bright blue when I’m happy, and were bluer than he’d seen in years when we’d talk about spankings, submission, and eventually blowjobs (which I’m still obsessed with, thank you for asking. Yesterdays’s was especially delicious, and deserves a distraction with its own post). So that convinced him that my desire for submission was genuine, and wasn’t some desperate act to avoid dealing with poly feelings or something. And the more we played and experimented, the more he saw me liking it.

That explains the hesitancy, so then we move on to the duration and intensity of scenes. And basically, that comes down to baby steps and being careful that everything is absorbed properly before taking it up a notch.

Sigh. Dominants and their patience, am I right? Yeah, yeah, I know. *looks down and digs her toe in the floor, hands clasped behind her back, that look that every girl has when she knows you’re right and hates that she has to admit it*

As much as I want more more more, there is the factor that this leaves us plenty of places to “go.” I mean, if we started off with a four-hour scene right off the bat, that sets the bar pretty frickin high for subsequent sessions. So what consoling myself with is the knowledge that we’ll get there eventually, and that when we do, they’ll be so much more spectacular for the fact that we know what to avoid and what we like and how to cope with weird things, and all that good stuff. And it’s not like I’m not loving what we’re doing right now. Hmm, maybe I could start creating ever-more elaborate fantasies and write them down for the horny eyes of the internet, and give Sir some great material to draw from… ideas ideas.

1 I’ll go into more detail about that another time

2 omg I sooo want that to be my new pet name…

3 ha! if you filmed me 2 hours ago and showed it to 10 years ago me, I’d probably wonder where you got the body double).

4 That’s a pretty reasonable fear, and I’m actually surprised, to be honest, that I didn’t actually feel competitive with her. I mean, that would have been stupid. First of all, she’s a lovely woman who I could tell didn’t intend to steal my husband away. Second, my husband loves me to pieces and wouldn’t leave me, especially when we’re poly and if it came to it, he probably could have talked me into letting him keep her. I mean c’mon, you should see what this woman does with stovetops and toilets. My god, I’ve never seen them sparkle like that. And Sir? You probably never will again. Just sayin’. Yeah, it’s also possible that’s partially because I somewhat unofficially adopted her as my own submissive. Her fetlife profile had expressed an interest to serve a couple, and she was a pure service submissive. Given the choice between cleaning someone’s house or getting delicious spankings, she’d choose the former — of course, her preference is to clean someone’s house as a reward in itself, and then get delicious spankings as a bonus thank you! And that’s basically the arrangement they had worked out. So with Sir’s permission, I started leaving her little tasks of my own. She sent him a text once about how hot she thought it was to be given tasks by a woman 10 years younger than her! It was quite a trip anyway.

Assignment: Two questions

Q1: Why do you want to be submissive?

Q2: What do you want from me as a Dominant?

These are the two questions my Dearest asked me to consider during my walk tonight. My walk was actually to a local diner so I could use their wifi to download some podcasts and update some computer settings, so I figured I’d might as well take advantage of that wifi to answer those questions in a blog post.

Q1: Why do you want to be submissive?

A: I honestly don’t know. I can’t even say I’ve always felt like I had a submissive side, because I’ve always been a control freak. And maybe that’s exactly why I want to explore submission: because trying to control everything all the time is impossible, and stressful, and did I mention impossible? I’ve made a lot of progress over the years learning to give up control over things outside my sphere of influence, but I still tend to micromanage the things I can.

I also get really bad decision paralysis. I’m intelligent and I can easily see hundreds of options, and hundreds of potential consequences for each one. I get completely overwhelmed trying to juggle it all. And 90% of the time, the things I fuss over aren’t even remotely important.

Other than that, there’s something that just comes out in me when I serve you, and even more when you command me. It turns me on more than anything else ever in our relationship! My heart beats faster. My groin gets tingly. My face flushes.

It just feels right. For one of the first times in my life, I’m doing something completely illogical and irrational. And it feels so good!

I also really like the idea of being protected and provided for, and submission is the contraposition to that. I’ve spent our entire relationship assuming you would always provide for me, and you always have. I’ve made paltry efforts to do my part, but I’ve never really lived up to my own expectations there. For some reason (love, I imagine), you’ve always let me get away with it. I know you gets frustrated sometimes. So I’m excited about finding something I can actually do that really serves you for a change.

Q2: What do you want from me as a Dominant?

A: Control. More than anything, I want you to take control. I know that’s vague and I don’t exactly know what I want you to control. I like it when you’re The Boss. I absolutely love it when you use that commanding tone with me. Oh sure, I also love it when you say “would you please?” but the straight up commands are just so HOT!

I want accountability. I’m terrible at holding myself accountable. I’m really good at forgiveness, as a rule, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Holding grudges really hurts everyone and serves no one. But I forgive myself far too easily. I don’t follow my own rules for myself. I just do whatever I want and let “tomorrow-leda” worry about the consequences. Which is ironic, considering how many consequences I can think up and then deliberately choose to ignore.

While I did really hate the idea of punishment, somehow it’s starting to grow on me. Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually want to be punished! But maybe knowing that if I cheat on my eating plan and chow down a whole family sized bag of chips, then I’ll face a hell of a whooping… that would be pretty good motivation to put those chips back on the store shelf!!

Do I want to be “owned?”

Welp. In principle, it doesn’t fit with that whole polyamory thing very well, does it? And I’m not planning to give that up any time soon! That’s a core value for me. Not that I’m in any hurry to get any other relationships right now. Just like when we first got together, and I naturally wanted to focus on our relationship because I knew it was something special… this is like a whole new relationship all over again, and once again I find myself wanting to devote 100% of my emotional energy to you and making this blossom into something even more amazing than it already was. And boyohboy, when you called me “Mine” yesterday?!? Holy crap did that excite me! I couldn’t get it out of my head! (for the readers: I’d cut myself earlier in the day, and when Sir found out he said “Mine! Don’t hurt mine!”) I just got that warm-fuzzy feeling all over.