Public vs Private Play Energy

Sir asked me to blog about this. It’s really more his “thing” so I’ll do my best to portray it accurately.

While we were playing the other night, Sir and I lost momentum and he needed some time to reflect. In the process, he accidentally sorta dropped me, as he told me to just “stay here” while he was going to go have a cigarette. But we’d been doing some really intense things, and I didn’t feel comfortable being left alone like that. That was what sort of triggered the “all about me” discussion we had that night, but there was this other aspect that I felt deserved its own post.

But another thing he talked about was the loss of energy he experienced during the scene. He’s played pretty extensively at kink parties throughout the years, some years more than others. Some of his scenes have been very intense (he’s a very strong man – those real, farmer kind of muscles that are actually powerful and useful, not the flashy gym muscles that appeal to the masses but are effectively useless in the real world) and some have lasted quite a while, hours at times. Not with me, because “I’m not a masochist” (I seem to be meaning that less and less every time I say it, although it still doesn’t resonate with me; sensualist would be better, I enjoy sensations which are sometimes very intense but sometimes those intense sensations are waaayy too much. I digress.) But he’s had some really intense scenes. Sooo, there’s this part of me, when he loses energy in the scenes, where I start to worry and have anxieties.

One of them is whether it’s me, because hey I’m human and who’s not going to wonder that?

I worry that I’m being an “energy vampire.” We’ve always had a very energetic, spiritual kind of connection, ever since we met. It was instantaneous and intense and deep, very fast. We pretty much moved in together on our first date. But sometimes when we’d do tantric energy play in our early relationship, he would again feel very drained. We eventually stopped doing it much, because it wasn’t meeting his needs. I wasn’t really ready to learn to control my own energy and focus, so it just wasn’t there yet. But lately, especially since I returned from India, we’d begun experimenting with it a little again, and he said it wasn’t draining him anymore. It’s been 10 years after all, and I’ve grown quite a bit (I’m 35 now, and we all know how grown-up people are in their 20’s!!). I’ve also been meditation more, and then really focusing on trying to cycle and return energy when we play. Honestly I still don’t even know what I’m doing, but if he said I wasn’t draining him, then I was taking him at his word and assuming that whatever I was attempting was somewhat working.

But then when he reports that he’s feeling drained in play sessions (specifically the more corporeal type play), of course I start to worry that “it’s back!”

He also tells me I’m overthinking things. Sometimes people just get tired. Give it a break. That was our second session in the night, maybe we need to take it a lot slower. The first session had a pretty good progression and honestly would have probably been a perfectly good place to stop, if he hadn’t gone and ended it with the word “recess” that just planted seeds in my active little imagination!!

And then the other thing he suggested, which is supposed to be the whole point of this post, is that when he playing at parties, there’s this whole different energy flow. There’s a room full of people. I mentioned he’s an intense players, and I have no problem saying that he tends to attract an audience. Just the way he can read his bottoms and know how to take them up to their edge and hold them there, and ride these waves, it’s impossible to describe and really something to see. And so in the midst of this audience, there’s basically a huge cycle of energy in the room. There’s people feeding their energy into the scene just by watching it, and him feeding it back to the bottom, whose feeding their energy to him and so on and so forth. So one of the simplest things he’s suggesting is that he just needs that for such intense scenes, especially for multiple rounds.

And that’s totally fair. As I mentioned, corporeal play never was my main draw and it’s just one of many many many things I’m curious to explore. If it’s not something he has a ton of energy for (it does, obviously, take a lot of physical energy!), I’m perfectly fine exploring other activities, things that allow us to feed each other’s energy and maybe more intimate, loving exchanges too.

Maybe, just maybe, we even need to have a punishment model and save the hard spankings for that, and keep our scenes mostly sexy with just some light spanks. And maybe some of these are things that I’m not supposed to be the one to decide….. 😉

Is it all about me?

Sir has brought up this feeling that sometimes when we’re playing, he starts getting a feeling of it being all about me. This confuses me, because I was under the impression that he genuinely enjoys the experience of topping, for its own sake and for the reaction of the bottom. And he assures me this is true, and that this isn’t an all-the-time kind of thing, but that there are moments where he gets that feeling.

I don’t think this is unreasonable. We’re still finding our footing. The sensation of physical pain as being enjoyable is a new thing for me, and I’m really eager to explore it. It’s very intimate and sensual too, so it’s not like I’d want to go off and explore it with just anyone. I may be polyamorous, but as I’ve described elsewhere (possibly not posted yet, we’ll see about that), I’m focused on him right now. So that means that insofar as I want to explore pain, I basically require him to inflict it. And that’s a lot for him to take on, on several levels. There’s the obvious that I’m not just some random play party pickup, there’s the emotional investment. I’m also still not really a “masochist” per se. I can’t actually take a lot of pain (what I consider “pain” would be like a little kitten scratch for most masochists.) I’ve just discovered that some pain is fun, and with a good warmup, I can take increasing amounts of it and it creates certain enjoyable reactions in my body.

But honestly, that’s just a small part for me. I enjoy anything that feels good, and while the pain definitely increases the intensity of pretty much anything, there are lots of things that feel good.

And besides all that, one of the whole things I want to explore is making him feel good. But I’m not used to that, because I’m a classic sexual bottom. I never know what to do. I need to be topped from the bottom, big time. Tell me what to do and I’m happy to do it. At least I’m happy to try it. If you enjoy it, I’m sure to enjoy doing it. By “you” I’m obviously only talking to him because I’m usually not the “giver” type in the sack. Just another one of the things I blame on my only-child-syndrome. But I’m working on it, honest I am. I mean, this whole submissive thing is a pretty big example of working on not being selfish! Problem is, it just doesn’t come naturally for me. I have to be asked for things all the time.

I heard this one classification once: askers and guessers. You can google it, there are lots of articles. The gist of it is that askers will ask anyone for anything, and assume anyone can say No and are just pleased if you do say Yes. Guessers will try to only ask when they guess you’re going to say Yes, and are more disappointed if you say No. I’m an Asker, big time. Sir is a Guesser, big time. Sooo that’s a really interesting thing to work through in our Ds dynamic!! And honestly it’s probably something we both need to work on! I could probably stand to take responsibility for accomplishing more on my own, and he definitely needs to learn to ask for help more. That’s one thing he definitely recognises as a benefit of this exploration for him.

So back to sex. I would really like to explore basically being used for sex. But I’ve just never gotten the impression that it was something he was even interested in. But then of course if you assume your life partner isn’t herself interested in being used for sex, then what kind of loving partner (which he is, or I would never be considering any of this!) would ever do such a thing?

I also had this fantasy today of being used as a human dildo. You see, Sir has always been a big fisting aficionado. Top, bottom, and self. He loves fisting others, squirting too, but I’m not a huge fisting bottom (lol I honestly didn’t intend that pun), and my squirting skills leave something to be desired (although that might be something to pursue in the “forced orgasms” arena that I’m also interested in exploring). We’ve played a handful of time with me topping him, but it really needs all the pieces to align. There’s the physical preparation of course, all those good enemas to get nice and cleaned out. And then there’s the whole mental thing. I’d always struggle with the Top / Dom energy that he required for that headspace. And that’s certainly not going to get any better now!! But I wonder if it wouldn’t be possible for him to “use” me as just a human sex toy, like the closet-full of ones he has for self-exploration… but better, because it’s capable of responding to verbal commands! It moves and even has a second hand and what the hell, can also hold vibrating eggs and stuffitystuff. Oh, the possibilities are endless, but he would need to just use me like a warm toy.

And then there’s all the service. I’ve really enjoyed all the tasks I’ve been given so far. I like making the coffee in the morning, cooking supper, making pancakes on request, actually keeping the house tidy for once. I’ve become a bed maker. I’ve never been a bed maker in my life, but I mentioned it as a possibility in passing once and he picked it up and decided that would be a nice thing. Getting his beers, putting away the empties, washing his feet, putting lotion on them. I’m really enjoying all these little things, and I’d be more than happy to do whatever things like that he wants. So I’m struggling to see where the “all about me” part is coming in, other than in the “selfish altruism” sense that these also bring me joy. But I guess I just assumed that was a similar kind of joy to what he felt when we explored play activities. I suppose also, however, that everything has its limits.